**Image borrowed from Deviantart**
I think about the messages I got growing up and how they shaped me. As a girl, the primary one was this:
You're just as good as a boy and you can be anything you want to be.
Right on! Well, almost. We're so focused on what we want to be when we grow up, and the greatness we will attain. We head off to college, earn our degrees, start careers that put us on the path to manager, partner, business owner. And then what?
We've proved we're just as good as the boys, but for many of us, there's a pesky thing called a biological clock. And being a stay at home mom now sort of feels like quitting. The boys don't quit work just because they became dads. But how do we balance being that mom who sends in homemade cupcakes and the executive who answers client e-mails at 10 pm? How do we continue with our creative outlets so we don't lose our souls in the process of becoming just as great as our male co-workers?
I'm not sure there is a right answer. Everyone's paths will be different naturally. But what I do know is that through time, subtle messages get pounded into our heads until we've set unattainable standards for ourselves. Yes, girls, you CAN do or be anything. But you can't be it all at the same time. That's the part of the message that gets left out. You can make partner in your law firm, but that means you can't work part time and attend all your kid's school plays. You can be an awesome writer/artist/musician in your spare time, but you won't be the world's best spouse if that's where you're channeling your passion.
As authors, we love writing these "kick butt" heroines who save the world and get the boy. After all, it makes for a good and entertaining story. But what happens to their school work while they're off battling demons? What about their family relationships? Are they simply not as important? Not to our story lines perhaps, but I wonder if we aren't perpetuating the myth that our girls can be everything all at once when we downplay the crucial elements of our everyday lives.
Maybe not. I'm no psychology major and I, as a writer, haven't ever given the subtle messages I'm sending that much thought. But maybe I should. As a victim of society's subtle pressures myself, maybe I ought to be more cautious about what I put out into the world. And just like everything else, find a balance between good story telling and good living.
What do you think??
I grew up believing I could do it all...I thought we'd made such progress...until I became a mom.
ReplyDeleteSo much more is expected of moms vs dads. So, our careers and our paychecks suffer.
Still, I believe young women can have it all, if they pick the right careers and the right husbands.
Many careers (for moms and dads) have built in flexibilty. Men are just as capable of changing diapers and following the directions on the back of the box to make cupcakes...More men and women could share in childrearing, making it a more fulfilling experience for all.
There is a message to be sent: If young women think they want children in the future then that should be a consideration when picking a career and a husband.
those are all good points. I'm blessed to have a hubby who more than pulls his weight around the house!
DeleteI think kidlit writers worry the most about the messages that they send, and I think that's a good thing. Because kids DO pay attention. When I was a girl (I'm older than you!), there weren't any girl heroes in all the SF I was reading ... or if there were, she was there primarily for her unholy uniqueness (Alien Queen Zombie). Now, I write the stories I wish I had to read then - and that I want to read now. In some senses, worrying about what you have to give up to achieve something is really an adult concern. For kids, they're just learning to set their sights high, learning how to strive for greatness. When they're older, and wiser, they can decide what tradeoffs they're willing (and not willing) to make.
ReplyDeletethat's very true. so maybe we just need to write the stories that we want to tell and let the adult worries wait for adulthood.
DeleteThis is such a great post. Like you, my parents always told me I could do or be anything I wanted to be. I believed I was going to do and be something big and important. Now, anything less than that feels like failure. As I approach motherhood (7 months pregnant now, ahhh!), I wonder how much things will change. Priorities are naturally going to shift, but does that make me any less of a special, strong woman? No, I think it makes me more so! Still, I think you make a good point about how often our success is equated to things like success in business (or kicking demon butt).
ReplyDeleteSo should we take all this into consideration when we write? I think the messages we put out there are very important, for sure. Of course, every book can't be all things to all readers. I think we choose the themes that are most important to us as writers and infuse our stories with those lessons. Then, we just hope that the young adults reading our stories will take away from it something that will help them in life, both now and later.
Such an insightful reply! Especially the part about anything less than greatness feeling like failure -- in my current WIP, I tried to make my MC very average academically & for her future goals.
DeleteDo writers have a responsibility for the messages they put out in their novels? I think so. However, this is true whether you're talking about men, women, moms, dads, boys, or girls.
ReplyDeleteVery true!!
DeleteGreat food for thought, Jessie. Even though I have more freedom than many women because I don't have kids, there are still pressures when it comes to things like keeping a house clean, etc. I can only imagine how much harder it must be for people with children. And of course, I've made a choice that men don't necessarily have to make, as you've pointed out. I think you're right about there not being any one right answer.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, Lisa. Our choices as women are never easy, but I still love that the possibilities for us are just as great as the guys.
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